Everything I find frustrating about Newport Beach is epitomized in elementary school drop off every morning. Drop off is from 8AM to 8:15AM--the fifteen minutes that mothers typically have to drop off their children in one of 4 designated drop off lanes. At 8 AM a teacher or two is scheduled to be at the front of these 4 lanes guiding traffic. Every year at the beginning of school the principal sends home a note reviewing drop off rules. Drop off begins at 8AM. Please use designated lanes to drop off. Please do not leave your car unattended in the designated lanes during this time period. Do not drop off before 8AM as there is no teacher present and no supervision of children.
I am always anxious to get to work and strive to hit drop off with the Kid as close to 8 as possible. Which frquently causes us to be there at 7:55 AM. I duitifully park the car in a spot near drop off and wait till 8AM watching the proceedings in my rear view mirror. My kid turns in his seat to watch and provides the blow by blow commentarry. 7:55AM "There's Chandler being dropped off." 7:55AM and 15 seconds, "Amy is being dropped off." "7:55AM and 30 seconds "Drew is going into school." And so on. I watch the parade of vehicles with a half sneer on my lips. Wouldn't the husbands supporting these Newport Beach mothers' lifestyles be surprised that these moms can't be bothered to wait four minutes to drop their children off when the school officially takes over their care?
Just to amuse myself I count the hummers, the escalades, the mercedes and the BMWs that pass during the next 4 minutes. Nearly all the moms are chattering away on their cellphones as they slow their vehicles down to a crawl and push their kids out the side through the school gate. Who are they talking to at 7:56 in the morning? I begin to imagine the conversations..."Jen, I'll be just a little late to the gym today." "Ally, see ya in 10 at Starbucks." "Hon, I gotta push my facial back 10 minutes, the kids just wouldn't get up."
I check the clock, 7:59AM. I back up the car and get in the line in the 4th lane over from the curb. The curb is the coveted drop off spot because your little ones can jump out and race into school without the benefit of a teacher leading them safely across the treachorous line of cars. I avoid this lane because everyone wants to drop off in it and it increases your odds of getting behind a dumb ass. One morning I realized the red Esclade I had been waiting behind in Lane 1 at 8:03AM was unmanned. I honked one polite warning. In my rearview I saw the traffic backing up into the street. People began dodging out of Lane 1 into Lanes 2, 3, and 4. The teacher wasn't out to guide the traffic and the driving was erratic. Between the caffined out moms and ritalin pumped kids, the whole thing was getting explosive. I let my kid out and prepared to somehow extract myself from the situation. I had trapped myself in with the Escalade immediately in front of me and a white Suburban behind me. Just then a tan blonde in a pink Juicy Couture velour jump suit and pink and black Pumas came trotting out the gates and hopped into the Escalade, cell phone in hand. Her errand was clearly much more important than anything the 20 parents at drop off had to do that day.
This particular morning I pulled into the 4th lane. 8:01 and no teacher yet. At least once a week at 8AM, there is no teacher. My son is worried. How will he get across three lanes of traffic with no teacher to stop the cars and guide him across? I know the drill. I put our white Mercedes in park, get out and walk around to his side of the car, open it and implore him to move quickly. I am dressed head to toe in business chic black. My hair is coiffed, my makeup is on and my black Kate Spade sunglasses glint in the early morning light. I take my child's hand and step carefully across the uneven asphalt in my black Ferragamo kitten heel pumps. I walk deliberatly looking straight ahead knowing that I have brought all 4 lanes of traffic to a halt. In front of Lane 1, I lean down and kiss my child goodbye, push him toward the gate, give an icy good morning to the teacher just showing up for her drop off duties at 8:03, turn on my heel and walk in quick mincing steps back to my vehicle. I have shown them all my complete and total distrust for their multitasking dropping off cellphoning not-showing-up-on-time lack of capabilities.
It should really all be down hill from here on today.
