Reconciliation

As a Methodist converting to Catholicism, there are a few things that take some getting used to. Early on in my studies I learned that not only was Jesus born of a virgin, but Mary (his mother) was immaculately conceived as well (e.g. Mary's mom got pregnant with Mary without a man involved). AND, Mary remained a virgin throughout her marriage to Joseph so Jesus had no brothers and sisters. I remember the day this was patiently explained to me by a fallen away nun (e.g. left the nunnery for a husband) who was teaching our lesson that day. "I have never heard this before,” I exclaimed. She reassured me, “It’s absolutely true.” Later I learned that it isn’t biblically true but it is considered “dogma.” Outside of the Catholic religion the term “dogma” usually has fairly negative connotations, “a point of view or tenet put forth as authoritative without adequate grounds” according to Meriam-Webster. However, in the Catholic church , dogma “is understood to be a truth appertaining to faith or morals, revealed by God, transmitted from the Apostles in the Scriptures or by tradition, and proposed by the Church for the acceptance of the faithful.” http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/05089a.htm Kind of like a legend but far more serious.

By the way, a movie worth checking out that TOTALLY plays with nearly every element of Catholic dogma is the 1999 movie cleverly titled “Dogma” produced by Kevin Smith (Silent Bob) http://www.dogma-movie.com/main.html . Given my journey, I absolutely loved it. I am sure the church must have hated it (the 13th apostle, abortion, renegade angels, and other things I can’t reveal in order to not give away the punchline). It is a deeply theological movie that pokes fun at many aspects of the Catholic Church. Catholic dogma is why the Catholics are also not big fans of Dan Brown's 2003 book, “The Da Vinci Code” whose plot hangs together by the premise that Jesus and Mary Magdalene had a kid (sorry, if you haven't heard this by now, you must live in a cave). Not Catholic friendly stuff at all.

And, as a soon to be former Methodist, I have always resented the fact that Catholics wouldn’t allow me to participate in their communion. As a kid, when visiting a Catholic church with relatives, I mistakenly went up for Communion and was quickly corrected. It has bugged me forever and probably is the one big reason why I am converting. Come on, what is the hurdle I need to jump to get this handled? Imagine my shock when I learn that Catholics believe in transubstantiation (the Roman Catholic doctrine that the whole substance of the bread and the wine changes into the substance of the body and blood of Christ when consecrated in the Eucharist). “Isn’t this just symbolic," I asked my husband after that particular Sunday lesson. Nope, not symbolic. Essentially, because of the Catholic Priests’ direct lineage from the 12 Apostles, at every Mass they perform the miracle of transubstantiation with bread and wine. And, that instead of speaking metaphorically, at The Last Supper with the bread “Take eat, this is my body,” Jesus was speaking literally. I have had ten months to work on this one and learn that transubstantiation “happens during the Eucharistic prayer of the Mass. At that time, the bread and wine are changed into the Body and Blood of Christ; as the church has always taught. Although they still look like bread and wine they have - by divine power - actually changed into his body and blood.” http://www.catholiclubbock.org/eucharist.htm

The biggest hurdle of them all on my road to Catholocism and the most absolutely foreign concept to me by any stretch of the imagination is Confession more formally known as the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Exactly why do I have to confess my sins to a Priest and why can a Priest forgive me? I had always been taught that only God could forgive me. Again, I learn, it has to do with Jesus and the 12 Apostles. This is not a question of dogma for Catholics but is rooted in the bible.

“Since the power to forgive sins was given to the apostles by the risen Christ (Cf. John 20:21-23) the the bishops of today's Church also are entrusted with the ministry of reconciliation (2 Cor. 5:18-20) as successors to the apostles. The bishops and their collaborators, the priests, by virtue of the sacrament of Holy Orders do not forgive sins in and of themselves, but "in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit," as it is written in 2 Cor.” http://www.aboutcatholics.com/worship/penance_reconciliation/

I was instructed that as a baptized Christian, I needed to go to confession before my first communion and confirmation. I found out the rule was Catholics need to go to confession at least once a year and absolutely during Lent. Since the time was drawing near for my confirmation (April 15), I knew I had to belly up to the bar and get it over with. Where to start? How does one confess the sins of 44 years in an orderly and succinct manner? After all, I did go to high school in Southern California during the 1970’s. Again, I turned to my esteemed sponsor for her wise advice. “Just confess the big ones,” she recommended. Hmmm. I asked my husband what he thought I should do. “Make a list before you go so you can get through it quick.” Write them down? I don’t think so. I asked my RCIA Leaders how they would handle it. “Make a private appointment with a Priest and go over things that are really holding you back on your journey.” Scariest of all.

I decided to show up to a church scheduled Saturday Sacrament of Reconciliation three weeks before Easter. I got there 15 minutes early. So did 15 other people. When the Priest showed up and slipped into his Confessional, the 15 people scattered around the church made a beeline for the pews near his door. I was a little slow on the uptake and ended up in a spot nearly at the back of the line. Each person that went into the booth took about 3-5 minutes. I quickly realized it would be an hour before my turn. And two or three people arrived every five minutes or so after confessions began. Within 30 minutes we had quite a crowd. We quickly deteriorated from silent contemplation to chit chat amongst ourselves. It is the human condition (sin and chit chat). I was trying to appear seasoned and made a comment about the length of the line.

A very elegant older lady (about 70ish) with neatly coiffed grey/blonde hair, perfect makeup and wearing a beautiful cream colored cashmere coat sitting right next to me agreed that indeed this was a large crowd. And, she said, normally there were two priests on Saturdays so this was going really slowly. She hoped we made it through the line before the priest had to stop taking confession. She mentioned she hadn’t been to confession for six months because she had been sick. I smiled and commented that if she was sick, she certainly must not have accumulated many sins to discuss. She said quickly with a wink “It’s always the same old sins.” I laughed out loud and then was silent for a minute thinking about that. It is ALWAYS the same old sins. I told her I had a secret. She looked worried. What was she about to hear in the confession line? I reassured her quickly “It’s my first confession.” She immediately understood “Are you converting?” I told her I was and that I was converting in order to raise my Kid in the Catholic faith according to my husband’s religion and my baptismal religion.

She put her arm around my shoulders and gave it a quick squeeze. “You have been given such a gift.” It was her turn to go into the booth. I was getting really nervous now that my time was almost here. She had been gone nearly 4 minutes. I quickly reviewed my notes (I finally wrote down just the big sins that would help me on my journey—combining all the advice I had received). The door to the booth began to slowly creak open and I grabbed the metal door handle to hold it for the woman. She patted my arm as she walked by.

I went in, not knowing what to expect. A young Korean Priest was sitting in a chair. There was a table with a lit lamp and another chair underneath a portrait of Jesus. I really had butterflies. The Priest gestured toward the chair. I sat down with my little sheet of paper. He nodded expectantly. I felt my voice shaking “This is my first confession.” He gave me a warm smile and said how pleased he was that I came today. He nodded again. I just looked blankly at him. He said “Go ahead.”

So I did. I rattled through my sins from the past 44 years. Nothing too terribly shocking. The usual and the predictable (respect for parents and gluttony, for example). Of course, I can’t enumerate them all here, should my mother ever stumble over this posting. My parents have always wisely had the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in our family. I ended my sins list with my very real struggle over malicious gossip (bearing false witness) with a heavy dose of pride and anger. You can see how anonymous blogging is quite theraputic. “Those are the big ones,” I said in conclusion. The Priest was quiet for just a moment. “I would like you to meditate on the attributes of our Blessed Virgin Mary and consider her responses in situations that would cause you to be angry, prideful or to malign another’s reputation.” And then he requested the Act of Contrition.

So I read from my paper, “O, my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended you, and I detest all my sins because of your just punishments; but most of all because they offend you, my God, who are all-good and deserving of all my love. I firmly intend, with the help of your grace, to confess my sins, do penance and to amend my life. Amen.”

The priest replied "God, the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of his Son has reconciled the world to himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins; through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen."

I answered “Amen.”
The Priest said "How's the line?"
"Long," I replied.

As I left the confesional, I felt truly lighter, freer and strangely giddy. I stopped near the alter at the shrine on the right of the Blessed Mother and knealt down and prayed. Mary was a good woman and a good mother. And, she played a significant role not only in being the Mother of God, but in directly participating and assisting with Jesus’ work. An ancient career girl of sorts.
When you think about it, she was the only witness to many of the famous Jesus incidents including the conception and the birth in the manger. The apostles who wrote about it later certainly weren't there, Jesus was too young, so she must have been the source for the nativity story as we know it. Much to meditate on, I discovered.

When I got home my husband asked me how it had gone. I told him that thirty minutes had passed since my last confession and I was still sin free. So far so good.